Today I accidentally pressed the wrong buttons on my phone and got an answering machine of a nearby school:

"Hello, you have reached the automated answering service of your school.
in order to assist us in ensuring you reach the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection.

To lie about why your child is absent- press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- press 2

To complain about what we do- press 3

To swear at staff members- press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you- press 5

If you want us to raise your child- press 6

If you want us to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone- press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year- press 8

To complain about bus transportation- press 9

To complain about school lunches- press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable for his/her own behavior, homework, schoolwork, and that it’s not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort, hang up, and have a nice day!"