"There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as "nutty methods." Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time."
 Aries (March 21 - April 19) You have high expectations of yourself. However, being an Aries, you will continually fail. You're a prick and nobody will go to your funeral. But hey it's your horoscope, not mine!
 Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you have no idea how much they hate you! You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell.
 Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a f*ck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person that would steal from a kid!
 Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bast*rd who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered by your sons.
 Leo (July 23 - August 22) The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.
 Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullsh*tting and you're a cheap bast*rd. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women have an intense relation with their shepherd dog.
 Libra (September 23 - October 22) You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron.
 Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet. You're a waste of space.
 Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered c*nt and a pervert. Your best friend is probably.... well, in fact you do not have any friends!
 Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) Don't wait another day to begin that large project you were planning. Consider jumping of a cliff!
 Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) You are the academic type and very intellectual. Your collegeas think you'll probably go barking mad within a year.
 Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. Pisces end up cleaning toilets and drinking beer. But hey it's your horoscope, not mine! |
